Sometimes I get the Fear

Sometimes, I get the Fear

 Maybe you don’t …. Maybe you are just coasting along in a constant state of ease and satisfaction …. maybe …

But me?

Sometimes I get the fear …. that nagging feeling that all the stuff I’m doing is sophomoric at best, and that the times I have felt capable of communicating anything I truly felt in a cogent and comprehensible way were brief, fleeting and all behind me.

That clawing sense of self doubt, placed there who knows when and by who knows what.

In truth, I guess that I always have the Fear ….. I just choose to get on and do things anyway.

Some days the Fear looms large and ominous, blotting out the sun and stifling my ability to see …. anything. But mostly, I know where the Fear is, and I keep it at bay by smiling slightly more than is considered seemly in polite circles, I dance while doing the washing up, even shaking a shimmy doing the ironing. I listen to music, read voraciously and ask questions a lot. I keep trying.

Maybe keeping myself busy and engaged is just a way of diverting myself from the fact that I’m fearful?

Maybe that’s why I was watching so many things on Ted Talks … shiny thing number 755?

Maybe I’m deflecting now by sharing this with you? …. Avoidance tactic 756?

It just seems better for me to say it … I’d rather be aware of the Fear and work around it or through it …. yeah, I’d rather that, than be in a constant state of ease and satisfaction.

Oh yes …. I found this, thought it was wonderful, and then thought I’d share it here.